Author: Thabang

In the busy day-to-day of parenting, it’s easy to focus on immediate needs: getting homework done, brushing teeth, keeping everyone fed and safe. But there’s something deeper we all want as fathers—we want our children to thrive, to learn, and to grow into capable, confident individuals.

So how do we actively support that growth?

One powerful tool that educators use—and that fathers can absolutely apply at home—is a concept from educational psychologist Lev Vygotsky called the Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD). While it might sound academic, it’s actually a deeply practical idea that can help you build stronger relationships with your child and support their learning more effectively.

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🧠 Understanding the Zone of Proximal Development (ZPD)

Vygotsky described the ZPD as the range between:

• What a child can do independently, and
• What they can do with guidance from someone more knowledgeable (like a parent, teacher, or peer).

This “zone” is where real learning and development happen. If a task is too easy, the child won’t grow. If it’s too hard, they may feel overwhelmed or discouraged. But when you give the right amount of support to help them tackle something just beyond their current abilities—that’s where progress takes root.

This is the educational version of “don’t do it for them, but don’t leave them alone either.”

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🛠️ Scaffolding: The Key Role of Dads

Vygotsky introduced the idea of scaffolding—temporary support that helps children bridge the gap between where they are and where they’re going. Just like builders use scaffolding to support a structure during construction, parents can provide assistance that’s gradually removed as the child becomes more competent.

As a father, you play a critical role in offering that scaffold:

• You give encouragement when something feels too hard.
• You break tasks into smaller steps.
• You model how to think through a problem.
• And eventually, you step back, allowing them to do it on their own.

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👨‍👧‍👦 What This Looks Like in Everyday Fatherhood

Let’s break this down into real-life examples.

🎒 Homework Help

Instead of solving the math problem for them, ask:

“What do you already know about this kind of question?”
“Can you walk me through how you’d start it?”

Then guide them with hints, not answers. Celebrate the process, not just the result.

🛠️ Building or Fixing Something Together

Whether you’re assembling a toy or fixing a leaky faucet, bring your child into the task. Let them hold tools, ask questions, and make small decisions. You’re teaching life skills and problem-solving through hands-on collaboration.

📚 Reading Together

Read books slightly above their level and help them with tricky words. Pause and ask what they think will happen next or how the character feels. This builds comprehension and emotional intelligence, all within the ZPD.

🚲 Learning a New Skill (like riding a bike)

At first, you guide the process—hold the bike steady, give verbal cues, and encourage. Over time, you loosen your grip and let them take over. You’re not doing it for them; you’re creating the conditions for success.

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🧔 Father-to-Father: 5 Practical Takeaways from Vygotsky

1. Start with Observation Pay close attention to what your child can already do independently. This gives you a baseline. Watch how they approach puzzles, chores, or social situations. Then look for small, achievable next steps where they might need a little help.
2. Provide Just Enough Support Don’t jump in too quickly. Resist the urge to take over. Instead, guide them through it with questions or small prompts. When they “get it,” start fading your help so they can take over.
3. Make Learning Social Learning doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Invite your child to collaborate with siblings or cousins. Take turns leading and following. Join in their games. The social element is where deeper understanding and emotional growth happen.
4. Talk It Out Vygotsky emphasized the role of language in learning. Ask your child to explain what they’re doing or thinking. It helps them process and organize their ideas—and gives you insights into how they’re growing.
5. Grow Alongside Them Just like kids have a ZPD, we fathers do too. Maybe you’re learning how to support a child with ADHD, navigating your teen’s moods, or figuring out how to be more emotionally available. You’re learning, too—and that’s a good thing.

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🌱 The Father’s ZPD: Developing Yourself While Raising Others

Here’s the beautiful part—this isn’t just about your child’s development. It’s also about yours. Being a father is a constant cycle of learning, adapting, and growing. We don’t have to get it all right the first time. Like our kids, we grow best when we have support, feedback, and community.

So don’t be afraid to ask for help—from your partner, from teachers, from other dads. Reflect on what’s working. Adjust what isn’t. Be present and intentional.

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💬 Final Word: Presence Over Perfection

The best thing you can offer your child is presence. You don’t need to be a superhero. You just need to show up, observe, guide, and cheer them on as they take the next step—whatever that may be.

So the next time your child is struggling, pause and ask yourself:

“Where are they right now? What’s the next step? And how can I help—without taking over?”

That’s the power of the ZPD. And that’s the heart of fatherhood.

Source:

Vygotsky, L.S. (1978). Mind in Society: The Development of Higher Psychological Processes. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Hey dads, let’s talk about something we all think about at some point—are we doing this whole fatherhood thing right? Are we connecting enough with our kids, especially as they hit those “fun” teenage years when grunts replace sentences and eye rolls become their native language?

If you’ve ever wondered whether your own childhood or past mistakes are going to mess up your relationship with your teen, here’s some great news: your past doesn’t have to define your parenting.

A recent study from the Study of Contemporary Fatherhood (yep, that’s a real thing!) looked at 900 fathers to figure out what really makes a strong bond between a dad and his adolescent kid. And the results? Surprisingly comforting—and super empowering.

So What Did the Study Find?

Researchers dug into both historical and current factors. Historical stuff included things like:

• Whether your own dad was around growing up
• How close you were with him
• Any major family transitions
• Even those dreaded ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Then they looked at current factors like:

• How well you and your co-parent work together
• Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed as a parent
• Your mental health (especially depression)
• How well you know your kid
• How much warmth and affection you show
• And how engaged you are with them day-to-day

Here’s the kicker: The past didn’t matter nearly as much as what’s happening right now.

Yep—you read that right. Your relationship with your own father, your childhood chaos, the messy transitions—those did not significantly predict how close you are with your teen today. Instead, what matters most is how you show up in the present.

The Power of Showing Up

The study found that dads who had strong co-parenting relationships, managed their parenting stress, paid attention to their mental health, really knew their kid, and showed warmth and affection—those were the dads who had the closest relationships with their teens.

And here’s something else that might surprise you: just being “engaged” or involved wasn’t enough. It’s not just about showing up to soccer games or helping with homework (although those things are still awesome). What really makes the difference is emotional connection—how open, supportive, and warm you are.

So go ahead and share that random meme with your teen, ask about the weird music they’re into, or sit down and genuinely listen when they actually decide to talk (even if it’s just about a video game). Those small, intentional moments? They matter. A lot.

What This Means for Us as Fathers

This study is like a deep breath for all of us. You don’t need a perfect past to be a great dad. You just need to be present today. Your relationship with your teen isn’t set in stone—it’s something you can strengthen every single day through love, effort, and a little patience (okay, maybe a lot of patience).

So, fellow dads, here’s your takeaway:

Focus less on what happened yesterday and more on how you’re showing up today.

Forget the guilt, ditch the pressure to be perfect, and lean into the dad you are—not the dad you think you should be. Teen years are wild, sure, but they’re also filled with opportunities to connect, grow, and bond in ways that will last a lifetime.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to awkwardly high-five my teen and pretend I understand their favorite YouTuber. Wish me luck.

fatherhood [ fah-ther-hood ]: noun: the state of being a father

On the surface a father is the male biological parent. It’s a pretty simple straightforward definition. It can, however, be quite complex. Being a parent comes with the child rearing, protection and nurturing duties. Not all these are divided equally between the parents, whether by agreement or by circumstance, with some parents able to strike the perfect balance.

The division can also be dictated by the feminine and masculine traits of either parents.

While the definitions of these are often put up for scrutiny by society; many writers have been able to provide, an almost accurate definition of, particularly the masculine.

Jack Donovan, in his book The Way Of Men, posits that there are 4 characteristics that define what being a man is all about. These are namely Strength, Courage, Mastery and Honour. 

A deficit in any of these would make one “less of a man”, and that each man needs to strive to attain these. Being strong, being brave, having mastery of a skill and being honourable. He also mentions about having a “gang”, a group of men you can rely on to have your back and keep you accountable. A gang that keeps you on your path, who look out for you, that you look out for and are held accountable to a higher standard.

I believe that fathers, need to be a gang in and of themselves. Holding each other to account in the duties and responsibilities of being a father. I will try to set these out below. Masculinity can not be taken out of fatherhood and being a father. 

Masculinity is not intrinsically toxic, as the world will have you believe. Masculinity is necessary. The four traits I mentioned about, when combined to produce a masculine man has great potential, but, as I mentioned before, a deficit can lead to the toxicity created by someone who is less of a man. Strength without honour leads to bullying and abuse, Courage without mastery leads to recklessness. One needs to find the right balance, that being trying to attain each at their highest level. This is not just for one to be a better father, spouse, etc, but simply for one to be a man who works to attain the best version of themselves. A lot has been written both positive and (mostly) negative about masculinity but I think that Donovan has put forward an interesting theory to deal with and understand masculinity. The journey to being a good father begins with one being a good man and being good at being a man, it begins with self-mastery, having a clear goal of your life, and yourself, outside of the fatherhood and spouse “boxes”, only then can you pour your energies into those other areas. How can you teach your children about honour when you have none, how can you teach that courage is about going into a situation where the chance of failure is evident but you do it anyway, when you have never tried anything. It all begins with you and how you conduct your life. Weak men, lacking honour are prone to abuse and selfishness. 

Strength, masculinity and protective instincts need to be celebrated.

Masculinity is not toxic, rather the lack of masculinity is the problem. 

“Culture is an umbrella term which encompasses the social behavior and norms found in human societies, as well as the knowledge, beliefs, arts, laws, customs, capabilities, and habits of the individuals in these groups.” 

A gang, mentioned above, can be the custodians of a culture, directed by the individuals, their circumstances and can be continuously evolving, and with unchanging principles. These can be quite simple and also complex at the same time.

In a gang of dads, this can be non-negotiable such as spending as much time with your kids as is possible for you. This can be monthly, weekly, daily, all dependent on the circumstances and this should include the fact that when this time is spent undivided attention needs to be paid. Providing for them is a given, provision is not necessarily monetary but up to what you are able to do. One needs to be able to raise children who are balanced, spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. A father needs to provide the basis, early on in life, for the above and on top of that giving them the tools to be able to question and come to their own well thought out conclusions.

Iron Sharpens Iron

The responsibility of the Gang of Dads is multifaceted. They need to be men on the same path as you, at whichever stage their journey. It would be ideal for them to hold the same key values as you. Your Gang needs to hold you accountable to your life’s mission and fatherhood journey. They also need to be able to come to you for support. This is, and should always be, a two way street. This is not an age related, older knows best approach. A 25 year old father of an 8 year can be able to support more than a 45 year father of a 2 year old. Everyone has something to contribute. Honour among the Gang is linked to how you would be viewed by the Gang, is what you are doing for the benefit of your higher purpose, your kids, the men around you, society at large? Is it at the benefit or detriment of others?

First things First

Every man owes it to themselves, their kin and society in general to be the best version of themselves. To show younger men that they matter, their being and self are just as important as what they can provide. Once one has reach a high level of the four traits, then you can look outwards and impart what you know and your skills to those around you. You need to find your gang, it can be your current group of friends. One must openly talk about what they need from the gang, how important that contribution will be in the relationship with their children. One can not shy away from this, if you can not be open about this, maybe they are not your Gang. Next you need to decide on a written or unwritten code, what responsibility you have to the Gang, what support you provide and what accountability means. You might be a group of married dads who agree that the way they treat their wives is important, or divorced, separated dads who believe that spending meaningful time with their children is of utmost importance. Whatever commonalities you shared or feel are important should be clearly outlined.

What I detailed above is by no means complete, it’s what I feel should and can be a start to have fathers and men direct the conversation about who they are and should be without outside influence which oftentimes doesn’t understand the extent of what men go through. I do not try to nor should  try touch of the feminine and how women should or can fit into this. I am a man, a father, a brother and son and that’s the only angle I can approach this from. I have a daughter and will approach my relationship with her from a fatherly perspective, which can be different from how her mother relates to her. There is no right or wrong way and I believe each has a lot to do with how she will relate to herself in future as well as society at large.

Device safety

Getting your child a device, whether a smartphone or iPad, can be quite exciting for them. It can be a relief that you no longer need to give up your device for games. But it’s not enough to just download YouTube, hand them the device and let them run off. 

This all comes with a few things to consider though, how much scree time is too much, what apps can they download, who are they communicating with online? 

Below are a few tips on how best for you to manage your child’s device. 

From my experience I’ve found that having iOS natively having these settings makes it so much easy to control and monitor. Google has tools as well that you can use to achieve the same. 

The first thing you need to do is set up your little ones account, whether it be Apple ID or Google Account. 

You need to specify this as a child account. It is far easier to set up these control if you share the same device type (iOS and iOS or Android and Android), if you have different devices not all is lost.

As a parent if you use an Android device you have a few options, you can download an app called Google Family Link.

With this you can view their activity, manage what apps they can download, track their screen time and if they get carried away you can lock their phone, there is the option, for older kids, to track their location. This can all be done from your own device and work on birth iOS and Android. 

That is the general idea, but in reality the above app works great as long as its connected to the internet, but I’ve read some reviews mention that it can be bypassed by kids if they switch to power save move or airplane mode. 

An alternative is OurPact, also iOS and Android, this is touted to be the number 1 parental control app. From personal experience this app works really well. 

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You’re able to manage times, limit apps, filter harmful content on sites and manage their location. This worked really well for me and my daughter, but does come with quite a bit of an installation process. Until recently the app was free but has recently been made into a paid subscription service. 

The above apps work best for a parent with an Android phone and the child has either iOS or Android, or the parent has an iOS device and the child an Android device. 

Should you have an iOS and your child has an iOS device things get a lot easier. 

iOS has a built in feature called Screen Time. As the name suggests you can monitor and manage your own screen time on your iPhone or iPad. But you can also apply those same controls to your child’s iPad, iPhone or iPod. 

You can set schedules for sleep time or Down Time, where all apps are blocked except ones you specify, you can control what apps they can install and uninstall, you can limit who they are able to communicate with; whether within apps or over messages and block age restricted content and apps. Coupled with Find My (another built in iOS feature) you can be able to track their location. 

Probably the easiest method I’ve used, it’s completely free to use and all the rules are stored on the child’s device so whether they are on WiFi or not the device will still block and unblock as per the schedule set. 

The added benefit of this is the ability to restrict what apps they can download and what in-app purchases can be done. There have been more than a few horror stories of kids running up their parents’ credit cards on games. 

Another extra feature worth mentioning is Guided Access. This can be handy if you want them to focus and use only one app for a set time, maybe for their homework. 

What this does is it locks the screen to a single app, unlocked by a passcode, and you can specify what features you want to be available. For instance you can enable on an ebook, you can disable either touch, keyboard, volume or side buttons. You can also block out certain parts of the screen. 

Some might find it daunting to give their child a device, some might see it as an easy way to entertain and keep them occupied, but with the way things are online one needs to be properly armed with the right tools and knowledge to protect and guide their little ones. 

Bear in mind that the older your kids get, you’ll have to have a conversation about these measures and help them understand that you’re not trying to invade their privacy and “control” them but rather build mutual understanding where they can feel safe to share without fear of judgment.