fatherhood [ fah-ther-hood ]: noun: the state of being a father
On the surface a father is the male biological parent. It’s a pretty simple straightforward definition. It can, however, be quite complex. Being a parent comes with the child rearing, protection and nurturing duties. Not all these are divided equally between the parents, whether by agreement or by circumstance, with some parents able to strike the perfect balance.
The division can also be dictated by the feminine and masculine traits of either parents.
While the definitions of these are often put up for scrutiny by society; many writers have been able to provide, an almost accurate definition of, particularly the masculine.
Jack Donovan, in his book The Way Of Men, posits that there are 4 characteristics that define what being a man is all about. These are namely Strength, Courage, Mastery and Honour.
A deficit in any of these would make one “less of a man”, and that each man needs to strive to attain these. Being strong, being brave, having mastery of a skill and being honourable. He also mentions about having a “gang”, a group of men you can rely on to have your back and keep you accountable. A gang that keeps you on your path, who look out for you, that you look out for and are held accountable to a higher standard.
I believe that fathers, need to be a gang in and of themselves. Holding each other to account in the duties and responsibilities of being a father. I will try to set these out below. Masculinity can not be taken out of fatherhood and being a father.
Masculinity is not intrinsically toxic, as the world will have you believe. Masculinity is necessary. The four traits I mentioned about, when combined to produce a masculine man has great potential, but, as I mentioned before, a deficit can lead to the toxicity created by someone who is less of a man. Strength without honour leads to bullying and abuse, Courage without mastery leads to recklessness. One needs to find the right balance, that being trying to attain each at their highest level. This is not just for one to be a better father, spouse, etc, but simply for one to be a man who works to attain the best version of themselves. A lot has been written both positive and (mostly) negative about masculinity but I think that Donovan has put forward an interesting theory to deal with and understand masculinity. The journey to being a good father begins with one being a good man and being good at being a man, it begins with self-mastery, having a clear goal of your life, and yourself, outside of the fatherhood and spouse “boxes”, only then can you pour your energies into those other areas. How can you teach your children about honour when you have none, how can you teach that courage is about going into a situation where the chance of failure is evident but you do it anyway, when you have never tried anything. It all begins with you and how you conduct your life. Weak men, lacking honour are prone to abuse and selfishness.
Strength, masculinity and protective instincts need to be celebrated.
Masculinity is not toxic, rather the lack of masculinity is the problem.
“Culture is an umbrella term which encompasses the social behavior and norms found in human societies, as well as the knowledge, beliefs, arts, laws, customs, capabilities, and habits of the individuals in these groups.”
A gang, mentioned above, can be the custodians of a culture, directed by the individuals, their circumstances and can be continuously evolving, and with unchanging principles. These can be quite simple and also complex at the same time.
In a gang of dads, this can be non-negotiable such as spending as much time with your kids as is possible for you. This can be monthly, weekly, daily, all dependent on the circumstances and this should include the fact that when this time is spent undivided attention needs to be paid. Providing for them is a given, provision is not necessarily monetary but up to what you are able to do. One needs to be able to raise children who are balanced, spiritually, emotionally, physically and psychologically. A father needs to provide the basis, early on in life, for the above and on top of that giving them the tools to be able to question and come to their own well thought out conclusions.
Iron Sharpens Iron
The responsibility of the Gang of Dads is multifaceted. They need to be men on the same path as you, at whichever stage their journey. It would be ideal for them to hold the same key values as you. Your Gang needs to hold you accountable to your life’s mission and fatherhood journey. They also need to be able to come to you for support. This is, and should always be, a two way street. This is not an age related, older knows best approach. A 25 year old father of an 8 year can be able to support more than a 45 year father of a 2 year old. Everyone has something to contribute. Honour among the Gang is linked to how you would be viewed by the Gang, is what you are doing for the benefit of your higher purpose, your kids, the men around you, society at large? Is it at the benefit or detriment of others?
First things First
Every man owes it to themselves, their kin and society in general to be the best version of themselves. To show younger men that they matter, their being and self are just as important as what they can provide. Once one has reach a high level of the four traits, then you can look outwards and impart what you know and your skills to those around you. You need to find your gang, it can be your current group of friends. One must openly talk about what they need from the gang, how important that contribution will be in the relationship with their children. One can not shy away from this, if you can not be open about this, maybe they are not your Gang. Next you need to decide on a written or unwritten code, what responsibility you have to the Gang, what support you provide and what accountability means. You might be a group of married dads who agree that the way they treat their wives is important, or divorced, separated dads who believe that spending meaningful time with their children is of utmost importance. Whatever commonalities you shared or feel are important should be clearly outlined.
What I detailed above is by no means complete, it’s what I feel should and can be a start to have fathers and men direct the conversation about who they are and should be without outside influence which oftentimes doesn’t understand the extent of what men go through. I do not try to nor should try touch of the feminine and how women should or can fit into this. I am a man, a father, a brother and son and that’s the only angle I can approach this from. I have a daughter and will approach my relationship with her from a fatherly perspective, which can be different from how her mother relates to her. There is no right or wrong way and I believe each has a lot to do with how she will relate to herself in future as well as society at large.